Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
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I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.