Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
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“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
a public service announcement
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool