Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
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Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.