She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
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JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
something like this could probably happen to anyone
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?