Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
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[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Home is where your toilet is.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.