We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
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wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin