what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
You Might Also Like
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
“The Perfect Relationship”
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying