interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
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Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?