Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
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Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
How to properly lift a body
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.