INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
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Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
The sacred texts.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel