INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
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“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.