Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
You Might Also Like
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.