Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
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I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Who called it baking and not making love
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Ok but actually
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial