INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
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Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
I wanna be friends with this person
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
This sounds bad:
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*