[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
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Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone