Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
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If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned