age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
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I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay