Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
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dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
taking June’s advice to heart
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Monday
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury