Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
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Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
“no gods no masters” = leo
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?