Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
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Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Not my job 😂
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.