INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
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The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.