INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
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My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Peace was never an option
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.