interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
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I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.