Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
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My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Received some very disappointing news today
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
2022: I can fix it
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat