My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
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Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
3% human
97% stress
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up