There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
You Might Also Like
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.