I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
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Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
I’m going to need a moment here.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”