Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
You Might Also Like
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Nothing to do, you say?
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
This could be us but you eatin’
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
I just ran a .003048K
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.