Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
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the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
*puts words between two asterisks*
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?