My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
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With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
I have obtained a hat
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.