Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
You Might Also Like
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.