Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
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likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
craving $300 all of a sudden
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.