[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
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My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
not for long
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT