Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
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How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Anyone want a chair?
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.