What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
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I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
peeping toms
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
wait.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.