INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
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On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Just how popey was the pope today?
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then