Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
You Might Also Like
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people