Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
You Might Also Like
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Previously On Persistence 😎
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.