Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
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I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas