INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
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Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
#winning
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?