INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
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I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Meme Monday.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*