INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
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Cake safety first. Always.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”