Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
You Might Also Like
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
They’re stuck in your pants?
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
“HELP WITH CAT”