INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
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For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
lol
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.