INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
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I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
what
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
“i am a sweet baby”
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?