INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
You Might Also Like
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Jurassic park gets weird
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.