interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
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9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Simple enough.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”