A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
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Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Breaking news:
They’re the worst 😩
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
When he asks for feet pics
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap