I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
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Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.