Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
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Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.